To begin with, thank you very, very, very much for all of your comforting words and messages of support. I've felt so very bouyed up by all of your good wishes and if I'm honest, a little spoiled by the flowers and gifts that people keep bringing round!
One of my lovely blog readers, Wendy, really surprised me by sending me some flowers and chocolates. It made me cry a little bit for how much Wendy cares and how lovely her thoughtful gift was. Thank you Wendy, you really have comforted me more than you'll know.
When I came out of the hospital on Tuesday I was certain that I would be letting things take their natural course. While we were there in the small waiting room there was a lady who'd been given medical management (i.e. tablets to bring on the miscarriage) and she had no privacy really, she was in the same waiting room as the rest of us, it was a small, too warm room and that decided me that no matter what, I wouldn't have the medical management. I need my privacy and a prolonged 6 hours 'monitoring' in a crowded waiting room is not my way. The only other option was the surgical management.
In the course of the last couple of days I've come across lots and lots of forums and conversations people being in my situation and have come across a couple of myths I'd like to put right.
If you miscarry, you may not bleed.
If you miscarry, you may not know.
If you miscarry, it's likely you will still suffer from morning sickness.
If I hadn't had the scan on Tuesday, we would be none the wiser and we would believe that the pregnancy was progressing as it should. The heartbeat may have stopped, the sac may be collapsing, but other than that, to all intents and purposes I am still 'pregnant'.
As I've been trying to recover from my third bout of vomiting in the same morning, I'll be honest, it's felt like a kick in the teeth. No baby, no prize at the end. You can almost handle the sickness knowing that it's all for a good cause and there'll be a lovely baby at the end. Well, a noisy, pooping, vomiting wrinkly tiny human anyway.
I came to the decision last night after two days of even worse than usual sickness, I need to deal with this ended pregnancy. I need to draw a line under it so that I can begin to recover. Poor old Dus is in limbo, his heart breaking at seeing me being so ill, knowing how I feel and nothing he can do to help. I called the hospital this morning and had a chat with them, they talked me through the options and we decided that the surgery would be the best option for me.
A general anaesthetic is nothing to be flippant about, but I'll only be under for 10 - 15 minutes and depending on timing I'll be able to go home a couple of hours after the operation. In the UK it's called an ERPC (Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception). I believe it's the same procedure as an early termination. Except my pregnancy doesn't need terminating, it's already over.
I have to call at 8am tomorrow morning and the ward will tell me what time to go in for the surgery. It's on the emergency operations list so it could be pushed back depending on any other needs during the day. I'm very nervous, and slightly concerned about the operation but feel that I really just need to end things to begin the recovery process.
Not everyone is the same and no way would this be the right option for some people. Having weighed up the pros and cons though, I feel this is the right option for me.
I'm hopeful that by this time tomorrow I'm feeling a lot better and can begin to grieve for what has happened to us. Dus and I have discussed our options and despite our fear, we're going ahead with ending this swiftly and as painlessly as possible.
In the meantime, I'm very much finding comfort in Laura Story's song Blessings.
There is greater still to come, there is so much more that life holds for us. This year holds some exciting things and I'll keep you updated on them all. This pregnancy was unplanned (but gratefully received) and Dus and I will need to discuss if we'll try again and if so when.
I'm not one for serious introspection, I'm more of a flippant joke around kinda gal and I've appreciated all of your kind messages, your emails, your chats. There are some of you who have given me your time and your conversation completely unrelated to this drama, some lovely chats about ancestors, family history etc and I want you to know that I appreciate this, I appreciate the time you've given to me and I especially appreciate your 'normalness'. I know Judy's laughing at being called normal now :)
I'll let you know how I get on tomorrow and hopefully be back to 'normal' soon instead of feeling so rotten all the time!