I woke up today dreading going to our morning service. We usually go to both morning and evening services as we feel we should in order to be proper 'youth workers'. I used to only ever go to the evening service, which is far better attended, more lively worship (in a church that still uses the blue hymn books occasionally), and I don't have to sit through the awkwardness of communion every week. Last week we didn't go to any services at all as we had family staying, and I spent most of the evening feeling guilty that we hadn't gone, to the point that Dus asked me whether I felt guilty because I thought God would mind, or whether I was worried about what other people would think of us not going. And I realised, yes it was because of what I thought others would think.

I feel that what we do in our private lives could well be the most Godly, amazing things, but if others don't see us keeping to the 'basics' such as attending church services and generally being committed to church events, then we might be seen as not really proper 'Christians'. I'm not altogether convinced that I'm wrong there. The biggest threat to 'churches' are in fact the 'church' themselves. The people/members/attendees who make up that church.

I feel a little bit anti-climactic at the moment, and am trying to work out whether that's myself who's been set up for a fool or whether I'm being deceived by the devil (I suspect the latter, which still doesn't make it any easier to take).

When I first felt the calling to be with that church, to develop a programme for the 'youth' who were at that time banned from attending church, I didn't even stop to think about whether there were others in the church who wanted and prayed for revival. I guess I just assumed. Now, I question really whether there is anyone other than the Pastor and the kids club leaders who want to see revival, who have a passion for Cwmaman and the people who live there. Sometimes I also wonder why the people who attend that church do actually attend that church. Why Cwmaman? Do you feel a burden for the people who live there? Do you pray for them/the area/their lives?

Sometimes I feel like going up to the stage during worship and asking these same questions, but who am I to ask them? We're new to the church, not that long in our Christian relationships, and quite frankly I expect I'd do more damage than good.

The real reason for me moaning is that Dus and I have been asked to go to a meeting this afternoon at 4pm as the church council has some questions they'd like to ask us about the new Youth Group that we've proposed. We typed up a 3 page proposal which I thought was fairly self explanatory, so now obviously I'm nervous about the meeting...aside from the fact that it's scheduled for 2 hours before the service starts!

I know it's all silliness, that we're not setting up the youth group for ourselves, we're giving up our time and energy for the church, to help us all to grow, to continue the ministry that there is already and I know that really the church needs to recognise that.

It would all be so much easier if I was someone who loved confrontation...... I'd rather sit in the sun and pretend none of it's happening.